Right now, it’s the little things that hurt the most.
Seeing an ambulance, lights flashing, early on Thursday evening.
Waking up in the morning to find Caitlin reading one of the magazines that Nannie bought for her; and not just any old one either. It was one that Mum got her to keep her amused at the hairdressers while I was having my hair cut.
Browsing for a birthday gift for Sarah, and seeing all the ‘Special Mum’ gifts; wanting to buy them all, but not having anything to do with them if I did.
The sheet for Mum’s tablets, the week she died. I first saw this the day after she was admitted, before the second stroke. It shook me then, and has haunted me since. Thursday morning – tick. Thursday lunchtime – tick. Thursday night – blank. I can imagine her at the start of that week; drawing up the grid, not knowing how the little boxes would never all get to be ticked.
Seeing my lavender in the garden. Mum thought it was lovely, “real old-fashioned lavender” and wanted a root for her own garden. One of those things which you always think there is more time for.
Wishing for a cheery voice saying “Hi pet” when I answer the phone.
These are my paper cuts. Tiny little things that hurt out of all proportion to their size.
In contrast, the big picture makes me feel generally quite numb. I don’t think I am ready to deal with the awfulness of what I experienced at the hospital, or the actual finality of it all. Whenever I try to get my head around those things, it just goes into a jumble of disjointed thoughts.
Note – Hannah is at Birmingham tomorrow.
My Girls
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
trying to resolve my 'blogger's block'
I find it really hard to write entries for here at the moment. I really want to, but I don’t know where to start or what to say. I keep typing half sentences and deleting them. I got a little way into a long and cathartic post but then lost energy for it halfway through.
The trouble is that mum was about the most avid reader of my blog that there is. She loved to read it, and actually she checked in just the day before her first stroke. So even writing about our everyday lives without going into anything else seems difficult – I am writing knowing that she will not be reading it.
I wish mum had kept a blog. I think she would have got there eventually, with her ‘puting’. It would be nice to read it now, to be able to remind myself of the things she would say and her perspective on life. Not to be.
This is what happens every time. I sit here at my computer with tears running down my face and a jumble of thoughts spinning round in my head. So I will update on the girls and us.
Caitlin
Had a great report from nursery – little superstar – and she is looking forward to starting school. Weather permitting, it is her sports day tomorrow, and we are going on the nursery trip to Hatton Country World on 14th July. Her ongoing constipation is not caused by an underlying problem but by her colon having become stretched, so it’s a case of continuing with the laxatives…..
Hannah
Has a check up at Birmingham on 24th July – details to follow on her blog. Her speech is great – several word sentences, and clear pronunciation – and as ever she is very physically active.
Holiday
We did enjoy our holiday, in its modified form. We will definitely be going back to Dawlish Warren for a third visit. The girls had excellent fun and particularly enjoyed the adventure playgrounds they encountered, and the swimming pool. I hope to post some photos soon….it always seems to be really time consuming, all my photos are such bloody big files I have to modify them somehow to post them anywhere.
Other news
Congratulations to my good friend Elly, her partner Mike and their son Arthur on the birth of their new baby Sylvan.
Most other things are wavering on the brink of disaster, but the house is fairly tidy.
My sister in law will be moving next door to us in just over a week! We should be a great support to each other and it will be especially good for the children to be able to play together. It is an exciting development and a very positive move for her family, as they are unhappy where they are living now.
The trouble is that mum was about the most avid reader of my blog that there is. She loved to read it, and actually she checked in just the day before her first stroke. So even writing about our everyday lives without going into anything else seems difficult – I am writing knowing that she will not be reading it.
I wish mum had kept a blog. I think she would have got there eventually, with her ‘puting’. It would be nice to read it now, to be able to remind myself of the things she would say and her perspective on life. Not to be.
This is what happens every time. I sit here at my computer with tears running down my face and a jumble of thoughts spinning round in my head. So I will update on the girls and us.
Caitlin
Had a great report from nursery – little superstar – and she is looking forward to starting school. Weather permitting, it is her sports day tomorrow, and we are going on the nursery trip to Hatton Country World on 14th July. Her ongoing constipation is not caused by an underlying problem but by her colon having become stretched, so it’s a case of continuing with the laxatives…..
Hannah
Has a check up at Birmingham on 24th July – details to follow on her blog. Her speech is great – several word sentences, and clear pronunciation – and as ever she is very physically active.
Holiday
We did enjoy our holiday, in its modified form. We will definitely be going back to Dawlish Warren for a third visit. The girls had excellent fun and particularly enjoyed the adventure playgrounds they encountered, and the swimming pool. I hope to post some photos soon….it always seems to be really time consuming, all my photos are such bloody big files I have to modify them somehow to post them anywhere.
Other news
Congratulations to my good friend Elly, her partner Mike and their son Arthur on the birth of their new baby Sylvan.
Most other things are wavering on the brink of disaster, but the house is fairly tidy.
My sister in law will be moving next door to us in just over a week! We should be a great support to each other and it will be especially good for the children to be able to play together. It is an exciting development and a very positive move for her family, as they are unhappy where they are living now.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Update on me
I am still here. I am working on a long and cathartic account of everything that has happened in the last three weeks. I’m not too far into it yet, so I don’t think it will be ready for a few weeks. I am very sad and very tired, even though I have mostly had reasonable sleep.
Andy and the girls will travel down to Devon on Saturday for our family holiday. I think I shall probably be staying behind for a few days, and following down on the train. Now that the decision has been made to go ahead with the trip (which was not easy…I felt I had lots of options, none of which I wanted….the option I wanted, for Mum to still be alive, was not available) I am looking forward to it. Life must move on, and Mum would without doubt have wanted us to go. I feel at peace that it is the right decision.
I don’t want to be without the girls and Andy, and I don’t want to miss out on any of the holiday, but I am trying to weigh that up against the clear advantages to my mental state of a few days peace and quiet. My house is a disaster, with only 36 hours to go, and however hard I try I will be unsettled by that while I am away. I won’t be lonely, but I have to get over the fact I will have to watch them drive away without me and miss the girl’s first reactions to the holiday environment.
I am relying heavily on the Lord at this time, as I learned to do when Hannah was a baby, and he has carried me through, as he did then. I have seen many examples of him working in the last few weeks. The details will be witnessed by me, as is my duty, but not right now.
The support I have been given from here at home and my friends further afield, particularly my ‘Liver Family’ has also been a great source of strength and comfort to me. Thanks to anyone who might be reading this who has helped me or anyone in my family in any way.
Andy and the girls will travel down to Devon on Saturday for our family holiday. I think I shall probably be staying behind for a few days, and following down on the train. Now that the decision has been made to go ahead with the trip (which was not easy…I felt I had lots of options, none of which I wanted….the option I wanted, for Mum to still be alive, was not available) I am looking forward to it. Life must move on, and Mum would without doubt have wanted us to go. I feel at peace that it is the right decision.
I don’t want to be without the girls and Andy, and I don’t want to miss out on any of the holiday, but I am trying to weigh that up against the clear advantages to my mental state of a few days peace and quiet. My house is a disaster, with only 36 hours to go, and however hard I try I will be unsettled by that while I am away. I won’t be lonely, but I have to get over the fact I will have to watch them drive away without me and miss the girl’s first reactions to the holiday environment.
I am relying heavily on the Lord at this time, as I learned to do when Hannah was a baby, and he has carried me through, as he did then. I have seen many examples of him working in the last few weeks. The details will be witnessed by me, as is my duty, but not right now.
The support I have been given from here at home and my friends further afield, particularly my ‘Liver Family’ has also been a great source of strength and comfort to me. Thanks to anyone who might be reading this who has helped me or anyone in my family in any way.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Life changes forever
Two days after my last post my mum had a stroke while dozing in her chair after tea. She was taken to hospital groggy, but communicating and conscious and was stable overnight. The next morning she deteriorated and we were called up to the hospital. It was obvious from looking at her, and from the doctor’s words, that things were bad, and the CT confirmed it. She had suffered a huge bleed which had affected the whole left side of her brain. She was expected to pass away within a couple of hours, but she just wasn’t ready and fought so hard, that it was actually thirty six hours. She died at around 11:45 pm the next night.
Her funeral was Friday June 9th, and her ashes will be interred this coming Tuesday.
I’m not ready to say much more than the bare facts right now. I am coping. My family is coping. The Lord is giving me comfort. I love her and miss her.
Rest in peace, Mum.
Her funeral was Friday June 9th, and her ashes will be interred this coming Tuesday.
I’m not ready to say much more than the bare facts right now. I am coping. My family is coping. The Lord is giving me comfort. I love her and miss her.
Rest in peace, Mum.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Moving forward....albeit slowly
New blog for Hannah
I have decided to change Hannah’s caringbridge page into a blog, for a number of reasons. Firstly, I want it to be customisable (big hint to Andy!) and be able to make her a really special page. Secondly, caringbridge can censor their pages, and will not allow you to post links to other caringbridge pages….which a lot of our liver friends have. I’d love to have links to all our online friends’ pages…please send me any you’d like included. Thirdly, I want Hannah’s journal to be searchable, so that people new to biliary atresia or liver disease can come across it.
I don’t want to leave the caringbridge page up indefinitely, for two reasons; someone else could use the space, and I hate defunct websites that haven’t been updated in an age. This means I have been busy copying and pasting all the past updates into the new blog, with the correct dates and times….quite time consuming. So, although I still have a ton of work to do on the new blog, you can find it at www.hannahmcbride.blogspot.com. I will keep the CB page open for the moment also, while things are still in progress.
Why do I need to have a blog for me and a separate one for Hannah? To me, they have very separate purposes…..my blog is my random musings on my life, my thinking out loud place - and the focus of it is me. Hannah’s page always has been somewhere to provide updates on her health and development, and I want to continue that. I guess there will sometimes be posts that I am not quite sure where to put them, but I am not going to double post things in both blogs, unless they are of earth shattering importance! I’ll just post links to Hannah’s blog on mine if there is an update.
The time has come
The car must go. The finances must be sorted. I must get my CLDF fundraising stuff sent off. Before the end of the month. IT WILL HAPPEN. I CAN DO IT.
And speaking of the car, didn’t I put the shiny new wheel trims on – it looked great – only to crack one of them on the kerb at the petrol station.
Caitlin going to school
It’s getting nearer. Last week we went to the parents’ introductory meeting. There is only just over half a term left at nursery…this year seems to have flown by at an extraordinary rate
Lots of mixed feelings…she is hardly going to be four, and she will be out of the house most of the day, and I will miss her! I don’t feel too anxious about her, as she has proven to be an adaptable and confident child all along. I think she may be a little tired to start with, and I am planning on continued use of the double pushchair for the school run, whilst encouraging her to walk, as we do now…the pushchair is very manoeuvrable and light, but I can feel the difference when she gets in! That makes around 60lb of children (more than half my body weight!) – but two miles is a long way for her little legs to trot, so I am prepared to allow her to hop in and out.
I can’t believe that my baby girl is growing up so fast. She is already making good progress with letters and numbers, and writing and spelling her name are on the way. I am also looking forward to this new adventure for her, which I know she will really enjoy…..and to a little more time to myself, especially when Hannah does a couple of sessions at preschool next January!
I am also not looking forward to having to prepare packed lunches…hey ho, but I am not sure we can afford the school meals, even though they look great – I think I could make her lunch for half the cost….maybe I can stretch to one or two a week, or maybe they don’t like you to chop and change….I can find out. It means I could prepare them for Andy too, saving more money…and for Hannah and I, to enable us a bit more flexibility to get out and about for the day.
This time in four weeks….
…we will be on holiday….hooray! Let’s see if I can be organised….confidence is not high! I do hope the British summer gives us at least a few days of beach weather…I know there’s lots we can do in the rain, but preferably not every day. Last year was excellent, and we all enjoyed ourselves, but the age Hannah was (not yet walking but crawling) she ended up spending lots of her time sitting in a buggy. I will enjoy seeing her participating more in things this year.
Well, I wrote this four days ago, and forgot to post it….the update is that the car now contains a ‘For Sale’ notice!
I have decided to change Hannah’s caringbridge page into a blog, for a number of reasons. Firstly, I want it to be customisable (big hint to Andy!) and be able to make her a really special page. Secondly, caringbridge can censor their pages, and will not allow you to post links to other caringbridge pages….which a lot of our liver friends have. I’d love to have links to all our online friends’ pages…please send me any you’d like included. Thirdly, I want Hannah’s journal to be searchable, so that people new to biliary atresia or liver disease can come across it.
I don’t want to leave the caringbridge page up indefinitely, for two reasons; someone else could use the space, and I hate defunct websites that haven’t been updated in an age. This means I have been busy copying and pasting all the past updates into the new blog, with the correct dates and times….quite time consuming. So, although I still have a ton of work to do on the new blog, you can find it at www.hannahmcbride.blogspot.com. I will keep the CB page open for the moment also, while things are still in progress.
Why do I need to have a blog for me and a separate one for Hannah? To me, they have very separate purposes…..my blog is my random musings on my life, my thinking out loud place - and the focus of it is me. Hannah’s page always has been somewhere to provide updates on her health and development, and I want to continue that. I guess there will sometimes be posts that I am not quite sure where to put them, but I am not going to double post things in both blogs, unless they are of earth shattering importance! I’ll just post links to Hannah’s blog on mine if there is an update.
The time has come
The car must go. The finances must be sorted. I must get my CLDF fundraising stuff sent off. Before the end of the month. IT WILL HAPPEN. I CAN DO IT.
And speaking of the car, didn’t I put the shiny new wheel trims on – it looked great – only to crack one of them on the kerb at the petrol station.
Caitlin going to school
It’s getting nearer. Last week we went to the parents’ introductory meeting. There is only just over half a term left at nursery…this year seems to have flown by at an extraordinary rate
Lots of mixed feelings…she is hardly going to be four, and she will be out of the house most of the day, and I will miss her! I don’t feel too anxious about her, as she has proven to be an adaptable and confident child all along. I think she may be a little tired to start with, and I am planning on continued use of the double pushchair for the school run, whilst encouraging her to walk, as we do now…the pushchair is very manoeuvrable and light, but I can feel the difference when she gets in! That makes around 60lb of children (more than half my body weight!) – but two miles is a long way for her little legs to trot, so I am prepared to allow her to hop in and out.
I can’t believe that my baby girl is growing up so fast. She is already making good progress with letters and numbers, and writing and spelling her name are on the way. I am also looking forward to this new adventure for her, which I know she will really enjoy…..and to a little more time to myself, especially when Hannah does a couple of sessions at preschool next January!
I am also not looking forward to having to prepare packed lunches…hey ho, but I am not sure we can afford the school meals, even though they look great – I think I could make her lunch for half the cost….maybe I can stretch to one or two a week, or maybe they don’t like you to chop and change….I can find out. It means I could prepare them for Andy too, saving more money…and for Hannah and I, to enable us a bit more flexibility to get out and about for the day.
This time in four weeks….
…we will be on holiday….hooray! Let’s see if I can be organised….confidence is not high! I do hope the British summer gives us at least a few days of beach weather…I know there’s lots we can do in the rain, but preferably not every day. Last year was excellent, and we all enjoyed ourselves, but the age Hannah was (not yet walking but crawling) she ended up spending lots of her time sitting in a buggy. I will enjoy seeing her participating more in things this year.
Well, I wrote this four days ago, and forgot to post it….the update is that the car now contains a ‘For Sale’ notice!
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