Right now, it’s the little things that hurt the most.
Seeing an ambulance, lights flashing, early on Thursday evening.
Waking up in the morning to find Caitlin reading one of the magazines that Nannie bought for her; and not just any old one either. It was one that Mum got her to keep her amused at the hairdressers while I was having my hair cut.
Browsing for a birthday gift for Sarah, and seeing all the ‘Special Mum’ gifts; wanting to buy them all, but not having anything to do with them if I did.
The sheet for Mum’s tablets, the week she died. I first saw this the day after she was admitted, before the second stroke. It shook me then, and has haunted me since. Thursday morning – tick. Thursday lunchtime – tick. Thursday night – blank. I can imagine her at the start of that week; drawing up the grid, not knowing how the little boxes would never all get to be ticked.
Seeing my lavender in the garden. Mum thought it was lovely, “real old-fashioned lavender” and wanted a root for her own garden. One of those things which you always think there is more time for.
Wishing for a cheery voice saying “Hi pet” when I answer the phone.
These are my paper cuts. Tiny little things that hurt out of all proportion to their size.
In contrast, the big picture makes me feel generally quite numb. I don’t think I am ready to deal with the awfulness of what I experienced at the hospital, or the actual finality of it all. Whenever I try to get my head around those things, it just goes into a jumble of disjointed thoughts.
Note – Hannah is at Birmingham tomorrow.
My Girls
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
trying to resolve my 'blogger's block'
I find it really hard to write entries for here at the moment. I really want to, but I don’t know where to start or what to say. I keep typing half sentences and deleting them. I got a little way into a long and cathartic post but then lost energy for it halfway through.
The trouble is that mum was about the most avid reader of my blog that there is. She loved to read it, and actually she checked in just the day before her first stroke. So even writing about our everyday lives without going into anything else seems difficult – I am writing knowing that she will not be reading it.
I wish mum had kept a blog. I think she would have got there eventually, with her ‘puting’. It would be nice to read it now, to be able to remind myself of the things she would say and her perspective on life. Not to be.
This is what happens every time. I sit here at my computer with tears running down my face and a jumble of thoughts spinning round in my head. So I will update on the girls and us.
Caitlin
Had a great report from nursery – little superstar – and she is looking forward to starting school. Weather permitting, it is her sports day tomorrow, and we are going on the nursery trip to Hatton Country World on 14th July. Her ongoing constipation is not caused by an underlying problem but by her colon having become stretched, so it’s a case of continuing with the laxatives…..
Hannah
Has a check up at Birmingham on 24th July – details to follow on her blog. Her speech is great – several word sentences, and clear pronunciation – and as ever she is very physically active.
Holiday
We did enjoy our holiday, in its modified form. We will definitely be going back to Dawlish Warren for a third visit. The girls had excellent fun and particularly enjoyed the adventure playgrounds they encountered, and the swimming pool. I hope to post some photos soon….it always seems to be really time consuming, all my photos are such bloody big files I have to modify them somehow to post them anywhere.
Other news
Congratulations to my good friend Elly, her partner Mike and their son Arthur on the birth of their new baby Sylvan.
Most other things are wavering on the brink of disaster, but the house is fairly tidy.
My sister in law will be moving next door to us in just over a week! We should be a great support to each other and it will be especially good for the children to be able to play together. It is an exciting development and a very positive move for her family, as they are unhappy where they are living now.
The trouble is that mum was about the most avid reader of my blog that there is. She loved to read it, and actually she checked in just the day before her first stroke. So even writing about our everyday lives without going into anything else seems difficult – I am writing knowing that she will not be reading it.
I wish mum had kept a blog. I think she would have got there eventually, with her ‘puting’. It would be nice to read it now, to be able to remind myself of the things she would say and her perspective on life. Not to be.
This is what happens every time. I sit here at my computer with tears running down my face and a jumble of thoughts spinning round in my head. So I will update on the girls and us.
Caitlin
Had a great report from nursery – little superstar – and she is looking forward to starting school. Weather permitting, it is her sports day tomorrow, and we are going on the nursery trip to Hatton Country World on 14th July. Her ongoing constipation is not caused by an underlying problem but by her colon having become stretched, so it’s a case of continuing with the laxatives…..
Hannah
Has a check up at Birmingham on 24th July – details to follow on her blog. Her speech is great – several word sentences, and clear pronunciation – and as ever she is very physically active.
Holiday
We did enjoy our holiday, in its modified form. We will definitely be going back to Dawlish Warren for a third visit. The girls had excellent fun and particularly enjoyed the adventure playgrounds they encountered, and the swimming pool. I hope to post some photos soon….it always seems to be really time consuming, all my photos are such bloody big files I have to modify them somehow to post them anywhere.
Other news
Congratulations to my good friend Elly, her partner Mike and their son Arthur on the birth of their new baby Sylvan.
Most other things are wavering on the brink of disaster, but the house is fairly tidy.
My sister in law will be moving next door to us in just over a week! We should be a great support to each other and it will be especially good for the children to be able to play together. It is an exciting development and a very positive move for her family, as they are unhappy where they are living now.
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