Caitlin's first day at nursery

Actually it was only an hour, with Mummy in tow, but she had lots of fun. She squeezed in playing with the kitchen, the castle, skipping (her description!), painting, digging, water, and playdough, as well as a bit of general exploration. Actually I felt like a bit of a spare part - she has never asked for me to stay with her at pre-school.

She looked such a big grown up girl in her uniform. This is my baby girl! Here are some pics of her modelling her uniform just before we set off.

A Wet Day in England

When I got up this morning (6 am, thank you Hannah – although this is my target time for my new ‘domestic goddess schedule’) it was a bit autumnal and misty but the sun looked as if it would soon be breaking through. Wrong, of course. It does rain as much in Britain as legend would claim. I am sure that I was personally responsible for this, as in my false optimism had put a load of ‘do not tumble dry’ clothes in the washing machine.

By mid-morning it was grey, overcast, and the rain was falling steadily. Off to the library and Sainsbury’s (have I mentioned before that I hate supermarket shopping and am currently devising strategies to minimise it?) Hair of course looked like 70’s rocker within 5 minutes of leaving the house (should have worn coat with hood but it was warm).

Caitlin, I think, takes after her mother. How many three year olds quiver with excitement at a trip to the library? Hannah preferred to make straight for the adult fiction and toss the books onto the floor. We shall have to make more of an event of it next time and stay to read a few books (maybe with Hannah strapped in the buggy). I renewed two of my three books for the second time, but at least this time I managed to give one back.

At Sainsbury’s I was berating Caitlin for removing some thing (looked like a draught excluder) that was mopping up a leak from the freezer, and a succession of other minor misdemeanours of which further occurrence would result in “Putting Back The Dinosaur Meat”, when we were approached by a somewhat strange old lady. (This is not unusual.) Poor Caitlin was subjected to a five minute lecture on how if she wasn’t a good girl for her mummy then Father Christmas wouldn’t bring her any presents. Have to say it does not seem to have made a lasting impression!

The rain cleared up this afternoon (washing on line, hurrah!) and it was pleasant and sunny for a while.

The day didn’t get any dryer, however, as both girls seemed determined to get me as wet as possible at bathtime. Hannah’s technique of bashing the watering can on the surface of the water was the most effective.

PS For anyone concerned that we may have T-rex steaks for dinner here, (or indeed that they may stock them at Sainsbury’s), the dinosaur meat is a sandwich meat with a different colour dinosaur shape in the centre.

Today is another reflective day for me. A year ago tomorrow Hannah went for her first blood test, and we were told that further investigation was necessary. I don’t really want to dwell on these anniversaries, but it is very difficult. It seems to me a natural way that you measure the progress and development of your child, to reflect back on ‘this time last year’. When you do that with Hannah at the moment, there is an addendum in brackets. “This time last year she was just a tiny little newborn, (who was bright yellow.)” You can’t separate the memories.

I like to read Moreena’s blog (not sure it's polite to add a link without her permission, in fact or if it's polite to quote either....unsure regarding blogging etiquette) Her daughter has been through so much with her BA, including two transplants, and is having further complications now. Although I haven’t experienced all the crap that they have, I really empathised with this paragraph from one of her posts.

“The funny thing about liver problems in kids is that it is rather unpredictable. Well, not funny, exactly. It's one of the hardest aspects of life for the liver parents. When times are bad, well, they're crap. But even when times are good, there's always the fear that the crap is just around the corner. It's hard to get comfortable, mentally speaking. And you end up feeling like the crazy person that no one wants to talk to because you can't just smile and accept the sunshine of relative good health without worrying about the next storm that may or may not appear any damn minute.”

Thanks, Moreena, that just about sums it up.

Not raining now, and my clothes have now dried, so my wet day is a little less damp. Goodnight.

Put your shoes away, Daddy!

It’s now only 10 days until Caitlin starts at nursery. We have bought her uniform and she looks such a big girl in it. We met her teacher on Monday and Caitlin seemed quite impressed with her, especially the fact she gave her a Milky Bar. A toy catalogue came with the paper the other day, and she has spent much time browsing through it; “Mummy, can I have…..?”

TV favourites recently have been Shrek (One) and ‘The Country Mouse and the City Mouse’ (belated birthday present from Great Grandma). Why does it always have to be the same one for 5 days in a row? We were walking to the shops the other day when Caitlin said, “You know Mummy, it’s not Shrek who has a problem with the world, it’s the world that has a problem with Shrek!” Scary.

Hannah was playing with Andy’s boots today. I moved them out of the way. Caitlin went to him and said sternly, “Daddy, it’s your fault for leaving them there in the first place!”

Hannah is running. All the time. The girl needs shoes. She’ll probably just take them off, chew them and then lose them. She has a thing for shoes….

Hannah went 3 months 11 days without being poked by a needle – WOW – but her 3rd Hep B vaccination on Wednesday marked the start of a busy period. She is having her first flu in a month, the second a month later, Prevenar booster in December and MMR in January. She will need bloods at the end of October for a local clinic visit and again in January to check whether the Hep B vaccine has taken. This is actually not that many needle pokes compared to some children with liver disease (lots have to have permanent access put in) but we have been very spoilt the last 6 months. At least come January we should be on to 6 monthly blood tests and there are only 2 vaccinations next year. Not that I’m making any assumptions.

Of course there was the usual cock up, where there was no vaccine when we went for the original appointment on Tuesday, so we went back on Wednesday. The pharmacy hadn’t delivered the vaccine as agreed, so the nurse had to go over there and get it, while I tried to prevent Hannah from demolishing her treatment room. I’ve just got used to this stuff now. The jab itself was uneventful, thankfully. As usual she didn’t even cry, and enjoyed a jelly baby afterwards.

She’s not sleeping well the last few days, teething and snuffly. Don’t really mind these minor gripes, but I would love a good night’s sleep!

I am continuing to make slow progress towards being a semi organised person. I am spending time at present creating ‘useful documents’ which I hope will actually be used and of benefit to me rather than a waste of time. The idea is supposed to be to use my time more efficiently and to dither a bit less. I’m very pleased with my e-book of recipes, there are loads of good and easy ideas to try.

We made it to toddler group last Thursday and even better to church the last 3 Sundays. I have also got into going to Sainsbury’s on a Friday morning, and achieved Caitlin’s new pre-school start time of 8:40 every time, although only with the car. I am relieved there are only three more of those.

Since my last post the CLASSKIDS discussion forum had to be suspended because the nature of some of the discussions was threatening the charitable status of CLASS. Obviously this action was not taken lightly but unfortunately many people have been left without a vital source of information and support. About 40 refugees have found their way to a Yahoo group called Livermoms but there must be lots more lost out there. Hopefully the forum will be up and running again soon, with some tighter regulations in place, so that it is a source of comfort and support for everyone who needs it.

We are going to the CLDF conference in a fortnight. It has been highly recommended to me by people who have been before, and I am very much looking forward to meeting up with some friends. I think the girls will enjoy the crèche.

I need to change the description of my blog. Two under threes no longer.

Hannah is walking!!! :-)

Two weeks ago Hannah first took a couple of shaky, unsupported steps. I can’t believe how fast she has some on since then. She is now walking from one side of the room to the other!! (Although the success rate is not 100%.) She holds her arms up in the air, bent at the elbow, which looks very cute!

So Clarks will now be getting twice as much money out of me for shoes. :-(

When Caitlin took those first few steps she was just about 11 months, but then she stuck at that stage for about a month. The net result has been the same; that both of them started to walk properly about a week after their first birthday. A bit of a coincidence.

I acquired two Maths students at the weekend, so I’m feeling happy about that. They are both students whom I have taught before, and are intelligent, enthusiastic and NICE. They both want lessons for the whole year, and initially one of them is twice a week. VERY good news.

This time of year

A year ago today it was my baby’s due date, and I was blissfully ignorant of what life was about to unleash on me. As I write this today, it seems like it was another woman living another life. I have changed so much and I can never go back.

Caitlin’s birth was a wonderful experience and I have reflected on it with pleasure on all her three birthdays. It was painful and it was hard work, but I was supported through the difficult bits and overall the experience was very fulfilling. I felt like I had really achieved something. I was looking forward to Hannah’s birth although slightly apprehensive as there have been several quick births in my family for second or later babies. I had written a birth plan, packed my relaxing CDs and felt ready to go.

So of course I then ended up with the evil midwife from hell. She was pushy, critical and carried out procedures without discussing them with me properly first. She refused to allow me to wear my own nightgown (it would be easier to examine me – how?), refused me pain relief (I only wanted gas and air but was told I should have come to hospital earlier), broke my waters without asking me and for no reason I understand, the list goes on, you probably get the idea. Hannah had a low heartrate for what seemed like forever and I believe she both caused this by breaking my waters unnecessarily and also failed to act on it with enough urgency. At least there were no ill effects suffered. I would probably have complained about her but events after Hannah’s birth overtook that somewhat.

I talked about this with my mum this morning. She helped by saying that she has similar feelings on my birthday even though 30 years have passed. When I was born I wasn’t breathing and my mum was just left lying on her own while they all stood there with their backs to her trying to get me to breathe. No-one spoke to her, they didn’t explain what was happening, they didn’t even tell her if I was a boy or a girl.

Then, of course, after two days the word ‘jaundice’ first became part of my day-to-day vocabulary. Then I learned how they give blood tests to babies (and what they mean), and medicines, and how they insert a cannula, and what conjugated and unconjugated bilirubin are, and what the liver does,and how to comfort a baby who is nil by mouth…

I had often seen parents of children in hospital on the TV and wondered ‘How do they hold it together’ and hoped that I would never have to learn. But I did, and it’s easy really; what else do you do, just sit by your baby’s bed and cry all day? You save your crying for later. A funny numbness takes over. At least that’s how it was for me. It’s all day to day in the hospital, anyhow. You don’t really think about the future.

So a year has passed since Hannah came and changed my life for ever. She is my miracle. Hannah means ‘Blessed by God’ and this seems wholly appropriate. Yet I am so scared of what the future might hold for her, and I can never entirely block that out. There are medicines twice a day and every time I change her I see her scar and those damn blue veins. I worry about what I will find when I change her nappy and I evaluate how warm she feels every time I pick her up. I am loath to admit that the itching in her ears is related to her liver (although all the evidence seems to point to it) because then she will not be asymptomatic any more and there will be another reminder. I can’t escape, the lion won’t let me!

But then I remember that the Lord has chosen this path for me for a reason and that I have to rise to his challenge and thank him for his blessings. My amazing baby continues to well and truly kick biliary atresia in the arse, and long may that continue. She is such a fighter and inspires such hope, and she has made me into a better person. I would not change her for the world.

Now I am going to make some birthday preparations for tomorrow (it’s weird, it seems like today should be her birthday, she was born at 2:25 am then I went to bed and got up again the next morning) and next year at this time, God willing, I will have fond memories to look back on, and more miracles to thank Him for.

Please bear with me for having these mixed emotions about my daughter’s first birthday, when I have so much to be thankful for, and a beautiful baby who I love so very much. Getting these thoughts down in my blog has helped me unload the baggage and get on with making a special birthday for Hannah tomorrow.

Right, presents to wrap, food to unpack, balloons to blow up – let’s get ready to party.