I have a garden!

My garden has plants in that I planted – at last, after over 18 months since we moved here! I am disproportionally pleased at my little collection of flora – nothing yet is over a foot high, and not too many actual flowers yet – but still. The weeds are fighting back, but diminished in number and small in size, and those that remain are doomed to the fate of the fantastic on the spot weedkiller which is only 99p from D + M discount. The next project is something to fill my small collection of pots. Andy has helped out too, creosoting more fence and taking the rubbish to the tip. We still have a pile of bricks and some concrete posts that we are not quite sure what to do with. There is plenty of work left to do, but at least it is no longer embarrassing!

My nephew is paying my back for all the free maths lessons he had by helping with some decorating, starting in Caitlin’s bedroom. At last the hideous pink floral wallpaper is no more….the plan is to hopefully use up some lilac paint we have (if it is still OK) and do lilac at the bottom and pink at the top, with a pretty border. Probably Hannah’s room will be the same.

Caitlin celebrated her fourth birthday (eek) on Friday with a teddy bear’s picnic, or PICK-MICK as she calls it, in the park. Fortuitously the weather remained dry (the contingency was a picnic on my living room floor) although a little chilly and overcast. This did not deter Caitlin and her friend Stephen from having a quick splash in the water feature - brrr – rather them than me. Hannah managed to finish the day looking like she had been beaten up, adding a selection of scratches to the large bump on her forehead she had acquired before. Anyhow, fun was had by all, and my first attempt at a children’s party went off quite smoothly.

I have been having a Star Wars week – it is useless for me to try to watch them all in one go unless I start by 8 pm, so I am currently halfway through The Empire Strikes Back. Tomorrow we are supposed to be meeting up with some of Caitlin’s friends in the park. I haven’t mentioned it yet – I’ll see what the weather brings first.

School starts in just over a month (the reception class children start later than the others) and Caitlin’s first day is September 18th. We will soon have to get her uniform, PE kit and lunchbox sorted out. Fortunately she is very excited and not at all apprehensive. It will seem very strange for her to be out of the house all day, and after Christmas I will get a whole five hours a week to myself when Hannah starts playgroup two mornings a week (although unfortunately those days will therefore involve three journeys to and from school). Maybe I will finally get on top of the ironing, but I think I will enjoy going around shops by myself!

Ooh, I managed a cheerful post. Better stop now while the going’s good ;)

PS There is an update on Hannah's blog regarding the Birmingham visit - and I've heard nothing since, so the letter should arrive any day.

Paper Cuts

Right now, it’s the little things that hurt the most.

Seeing an ambulance, lights flashing, early on Thursday evening.

Waking up in the morning to find Caitlin reading one of the magazines that Nannie bought for her; and not just any old one either. It was one that Mum got her to keep her amused at the hairdressers while I was having my hair cut.

Browsing for a birthday gift for Sarah, and seeing all the ‘Special Mum’ gifts; wanting to buy them all, but not having anything to do with them if I did.

The sheet for Mum’s tablets, the week she died. I first saw this the day after she was admitted, before the second stroke. It shook me then, and has haunted me since. Thursday morning – tick. Thursday lunchtime – tick. Thursday night – blank. I can imagine her at the start of that week; drawing up the grid, not knowing how the little boxes would never all get to be ticked.

Seeing my lavender in the garden. Mum thought it was lovely, “real old-fashioned lavender” and wanted a root for her own garden. One of those things which you always think there is more time for.

Wishing for a cheery voice saying “Hi pet” when I answer the phone.

These are my paper cuts. Tiny little things that hurt out of all proportion to their size.

In contrast, the big picture makes me feel generally quite numb. I don’t think I am ready to deal with the awfulness of what I experienced at the hospital, or the actual finality of it all. Whenever I try to get my head around those things, it just goes into a jumble of disjointed thoughts.

Note – Hannah is at Birmingham tomorrow.

trying to resolve my 'blogger's block'

I find it really hard to write entries for here at the moment. I really want to, but I don’t know where to start or what to say. I keep typing half sentences and deleting them. I got a little way into a long and cathartic post but then lost energy for it halfway through.

The trouble is that mum was about the most avid reader of my blog that there is. She loved to read it, and actually she checked in just the day before her first stroke. So even writing about our everyday lives without going into anything else seems difficult – I am writing knowing that she will not be reading it.

I wish mum had kept a blog. I think she would have got there eventually, with her ‘puting’. It would be nice to read it now, to be able to remind myself of the things she would say and her perspective on life. Not to be.

This is what happens every time. I sit here at my computer with tears running down my face and a jumble of thoughts spinning round in my head. So I will update on the girls and us.

Caitlin

Had a great report from nursery – little superstar – and she is looking forward to starting school. Weather permitting, it is her sports day tomorrow, and we are going on the nursery trip to Hatton Country World on 14th July. Her ongoing constipation is not caused by an underlying problem but by her colon having become stretched, so it’s a case of continuing with the laxatives…..

Hannah

Has a check up at Birmingham on 24th July – details to follow on her blog. Her speech is great – several word sentences, and clear pronunciation – and as ever she is very physically active.

Holiday

We did enjoy our holiday, in its modified form. We will definitely be going back to Dawlish Warren for a third visit. The girls had excellent fun and particularly enjoyed the adventure playgrounds they encountered, and the swimming pool. I hope to post some photos soon….it always seems to be really time consuming, all my photos are such bloody big files I have to modify them somehow to post them anywhere.

Other news

Congratulations to my good friend Elly, her partner Mike and their son Arthur on the birth of their new baby Sylvan.

Most other things are wavering on the brink of disaster, but the house is fairly tidy.

My sister in law will be moving next door to us in just over a week! We should be a great support to each other and it will be especially good for the children to be able to play together. It is an exciting development and a very positive move for her family, as they are unhappy where they are living now.

Update on me

I am still here. I am working on a long and cathartic account of everything that has happened in the last three weeks. I’m not too far into it yet, so I don’t think it will be ready for a few weeks. I am very sad and very tired, even though I have mostly had reasonable sleep.

Andy and the girls will travel down to Devon on Saturday for our family holiday. I think I shall probably be staying behind for a few days, and following down on the train. Now that the decision has been made to go ahead with the trip (which was not easy…I felt I had lots of options, none of which I wanted….the option I wanted, for Mum to still be alive, was not available) I am looking forward to it. Life must move on, and Mum would without doubt have wanted us to go. I feel at peace that it is the right decision.

I don’t want to be without the girls and Andy, and I don’t want to miss out on any of the holiday, but I am trying to weigh that up against the clear advantages to my mental state of a few days peace and quiet. My house is a disaster, with only 36 hours to go, and however hard I try I will be unsettled by that while I am away. I won’t be lonely, but I have to get over the fact I will have to watch them drive away without me and miss the girl’s first reactions to the holiday environment.

I am relying heavily on the Lord at this time, as I learned to do when Hannah was a baby, and he has carried me through, as he did then. I have seen many examples of him working in the last few weeks. The details will be witnessed by me, as is my duty, but not right now.

The support I have been given from here at home and my friends further afield, particularly my ‘Liver Family’ has also been a great source of strength and comfort to me. Thanks to anyone who might be reading this who has helped me or anyone in my family in any way.

Life changes forever

Two days after my last post my mum had a stroke while dozing in her chair after tea. She was taken to hospital groggy, but communicating and conscious and was stable overnight. The next morning she deteriorated and we were called up to the hospital. It was obvious from looking at her, and from the doctor’s words, that things were bad, and the CT confirmed it. She had suffered a huge bleed which had affected the whole left side of her brain. She was expected to pass away within a couple of hours, but she just wasn’t ready and fought so hard, that it was actually thirty six hours. She died at around 11:45 pm the next night.

Her funeral was Friday June 9th, and her ashes will be interred this coming Tuesday.

I’m not ready to say much more than the bare facts right now. I am coping. My family is coping. The Lord is giving me comfort. I love her and miss her.

Rest in peace, Mum.